Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
