u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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