Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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