when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
