Just took my morning after pill in the library
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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