Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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