i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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