No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
