i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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