She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
