Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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