Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
