I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
