How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
