I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
