I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
