he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
