Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
