if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
