I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
