I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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