Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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