I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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