i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
