I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
