i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
