I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
