I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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