Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we're so committed to being not committed
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