I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
how drunk are you?
Several
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
