first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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