I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
