I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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