That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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