I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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