just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
