Apparently you make a good broom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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