She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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