I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
