my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
