true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
