there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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