totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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