see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
