I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
