i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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