Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
