I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
