How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
