I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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