Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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