I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
