do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
