I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
