i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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