it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
