I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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